The other day in group, a good friend pointed out that his sponsor had told him “no new relationships for a year.’ That is very good advice. When you hear the slogan, “we will love you until you can love yourself, ” their not kidding.
Coming in the door to recovery most of us are in pretty bad shape. It’s a wonder that I had not done myself in. So many die before they ever get find our door. Speaking at rehabs, I use to ask "how many peoples had experienced an OD flatline before” and always about half the room raised their hands. Learning to truly love oneself takes time, and like my old friend Georgie use to say, “Be patient before you become one!”
My second sponsor Mr. Wally K. use to say that romantic relationships will throw you every time. He use to speak about passion. I get that. The heat of a new relationship may be even more powerful than a drink or a drug, but for sure it can throw you. Getting your recovery established is the main thing here. There will be plenty of time for relationship, but only after you learn to love yourself. After all you can’t give away what you haven’t got, right?
It’s not everything all the time like it was before you got here. Now, some things you need to leave alone, until you learn what you need to know. It sounds extreme, even brutal, for if we ever needed someone, now is the time, but we speak from experience. Experience that you need to listen to if your going to make it in recovery.
On the other hand, I would strongly advise against divorce early in recovery, for you have just started to address the main problem that you have. When that is corrected, and it will be, if you follow directions from a good sponsor who has a sponsor. Your relationship that you thought had fallen apart, can, with a little work return better than ever before!
Divorce only takes a few strokes of a pen. Early sponsors told me no major decisions for a year, and divorce is certainly a major decision. So, before you warp the greatest gifts God has given you, namely, your children, a willing wife and yourself, you need to hold up. Separate for a bit if need be, but over sober time, you will clear up and be able to see things in a better light. In truth, it was the addiction that was your biggest problem all along, and now that that’s been resolved, things can and will get much better. That old expression is so perfect here.. “Don’t throw your babies out with your dirty bathwater!” Trust me when I tell you all things are possible with God and now that you have turned your life over to Him, you need to allow Him to do the amazing work that you cannot.